Och Aye what?

Och Aye First Minister is my contribution to tomorrows Scottish Elections, just so I’m being evenhanded, having written Carry On Prime Minister recently! Ken Dodd once said he kept trying to give up doing political jokes  “But they do such silly things!” I know what he meant. And several satirists, from Mark Twain to John Cleese, have complained that it is hard to parody things that are ridiculous in the first place.

Och Aye, First Minister!

First Minister (Ronnie Corbet in drag) : I’ve called us all here so we can get together to free Scotland from the wicked Tories.

[Cries of Hear, Hear!]

FM: Now before I start, I just want to tell you a wee funny story aboot what happened to me last time I went to England. It was between the first and second lockdowns. No! The second and third. I remember that because…

[Cries of Shut up and get on with it!]

FM: All right. I’ve call us all here so we can concentrate…

Former First Minister (Ronnie Barker): Typical! You canna concentrate on what ye’r saying!

FM: We all ken what you’ve been concentrating on – chasing women!

FFM: Jealous? Backstabber! Ye’r worse than Lady MacBeth.

Gordon Brown (John Laurie): It wasnae Lady MacBeth that did the stabbing – it was her husband. But it’s bad luck to speak of the Scottish Play.

FM: Thankyou! Bad luck for the English, I hope. Now who’s a backstabber?

GB: Never mind the literary allusions. What’s your plan?

FM: We need tae get all the clans together. Where are the Campbells? They said they were coming. We’ll be in the soup if they don’t.

Alistair Campbell (Billy Connolly): I’m here!

FM: Whose side are you on the noo?

AC: Mine.

FM: What aboot the Camerons? Where’s their leader, David?

AC: Give me a fiver and I’ll have him text you.

FM: What’s that tartan you’re wearing?

AC: The NHS tartan. You can tell by the very small cheques.

GB: Never mind that. What’s the plan?

FM: Tae get rid of English domination and destroy all the things they force upon us.

AC: You’re doing fine at mangling the English language.

FM: We want tae build a better Scotland: fairer and greener.

[Cries of Hear! Hear!]

GB: Aye, but what’ll you do for money? What aboot the Barnet Money we’ll lose if we kick oot the English?

FFM: We can get by wi’oot haircuts.

AC: It’s easy for you tae say. I’ve been saving up for one for ages.

GB: No! I mean the money the Westminster Government distributes among the four nations. If they stop that, how will we build a fairer and greener land? What’ll we do?

FM: Easy – produce more oil!